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Golddigger Aptitude Test

by | Featured, Today’s Chicago Woman, Writing for Print

Golddigger. It’s not a word that gets thrown around a lot anymore, is it? It conjures up images of dizzy starlets and castrating, manipulative spinsters, dying to get their lunch-hooks into some graying widower moments before he keels over. (Actually, I always think of the scantily-clad girls on The Dean Martin Show.)

Golddigging fell on hard times in the liberated ’60s, when women supposedly threw away their material possessions, abandoned the jaded, shallow values of their parents, and started looking at men for what they really are — pieces of meat. Men, of course, have always been thus enlightened.

In any event, golddigging is making a comeback. In fact, it’s become entirely acceptable. Ask the average woman on Michigan Ave. about her boyfriend and you’re likely to hear one of these magic phrases:

1. He has a good job, and he’s emotionally secure.

2. He’s emotionally and financially secure.

3. Jesus Christ, he’s loaded. He’s worth a mint! He drives a Porsche. He’s got money, money, money, money, money, money, money — I get hot just thinking about his enormous wealth. And he’s emotionally secure.

Do you have the highly competitive, materialistic instincts you’ll need to make it as a golddigger in the ’80s? Take this snappy “Golddigger Aptitude Test” and find out. Just pick the answer that best describes your own sordid sex life. (Editor’s note: The following quiz is supposed to be satirical in nature. Try not to take it seriously.)

1. When my boyfriend speaks, everyone listens because he is:

  1. Loud and abrasive.
  2. A brilliant orator.
  3. E.F. Hutton.

2. Before I fall in love with someone, I make sure he:

  1. Has a clean bill of health from a physician, signed and dated within the last week.
  2. Is interested in a deep, lasting relationship.
  3. Got a good write-up in Fortune magazine.

3. I hate to admit it, but I’m impressed when a man flashes an American Express card that is:

  1. Unstolen.
  2. Green and unpretentious.
  3. Ozmium.*

*The American Express Ozmium Card, which is four steps above the platinum card, is made of ozmium, an extremely rare and dense element. There are only four in existence.

4. I think it’s charming and perfectly acceptable if a man offers to pay for a woman’s:

  1. C.T.A transfer.
  2. Dinner.
  3. Rent, car, food, wardrobe, travel-related expenses, dental care, cab fares, reading material, toothpaste, paperclips, summer home in Martha’s Vineyard, index cards, miscellaneous gardening items, brie and other French comestibles that technically shouldn’t be called food.

5. To me, a man’s money isn’t as important as his:

  1. You know…
  2. Emotional stability.
  3. Aassets.

6. I think it’s really classy when a date shows up at my door with:

  1. Circus twins.
  2. Flowers and champagne.
  3. Robin Leach and a camera crew.

7. My boyfriend always gets the best seats when we go:

  1. To jail.
  2. To the theater.
  3. On the space shuttle.

8. Sexually, I’d have to describe my ideal man as:

  1. Raw, forceful, and unrelenting.
  2. Tender, romantic, and imaginative.
  3. Rich.

9. I’ve never admitted this before, but once I advertised for a man in:

  1. A men’s room.
  2. The Tribune’s classifieds.
  3. The Robb Report.

10. My boyfriend is hard to get close to because of his:

  1. Odor.
  2. Deep-rooted insecurities.
  3. Entourage.

TABULATING YOUR SCORE:

Give yourself one dollar for every A, two dollars for every B, and three dollars for every C. Put all the money in an envelope with a recent photo and mail it to me, care of Today’s Chicago Woman.

— Terry Runté

Terry Runté is a Chicago humor writer worth untold millions