Should You Run for President?

The next Presidential election is still a couple of years away, but already the would-be candidates are sending out their favorite suits for dry-cleaning, and laundering any suspiciously large sums of money they have lying around. Experts have named Lee Iacocca, Pat Robertson, Robert Dole, George Bush, Gary Hart and a host of others as likely candidates, and many suspect Michael Nesmith passed on the recent Monkees reunion so he could prepare to run as a Libertarian.

But wait a minute — there hasn’t been any mention of a female candidate! After all, last time around Geraldine Ferraro ran as a vice president for what’s-his-name. So what if George Bush kicked her butt on a televised debate, and then went on to win the swimsuit competition and Miss Congeniality? So what if Ferraro and Mondale couldn’t rally enough voters between them to throw a decent Tupperware party? I think it’s time for a female candidate tor un for the nation’s most esteemed position. And if she doesn’t win the chairmanship of MTV, I think she should run for President of the United States.

For too long now, men have been reluctant to vote women into higher offices, just because they carry purses full of silly stuff and look funny when they throw a baseball. I personally think that sort of attitude is sexist. (It does, I must admit, present a mildly amusing image: Mrs. President is introduced to throw out the first ball of the World Series. She winds up, with her weight on the wrong foot and, leading with her elbow, sort of flops the ball five feet straight up in the air. Six throws later, the ball hits home plate, and the crowd goes wild.)

Just remember, you read it here first. While Alan Alda is sitting somewhere workin on his next made-for-the-movies TV show, I’m calling for a woman to run for President. Potential candidates are probably reading Today’s Chicago Woman this very minute.

Do you have what it takes to be the first woman to run for President of the United States on a major ticket? Just follow alleged sexist Terry Runté’s tips for Presidential hopefuls, and you’ll be nominated by a landslide. And remember, if you win the nomination you’ve got my vote, for sure, so that’s one already.

TIP #1: CHECK YOUR AGE

According to the Constitution you have to be at least 35 years old to be President. That eliminates Deborah Norville right off the bat, which is enough to make most men want to forget this stupid concept altogether. But what about the rest of you? After a lifetime of lying about your age you could be off by a decade. How can you tell if you’re old enough to run? Simple: If your prom theme song was “Grease,” by Frankie Vali (1978), you’re too young. If it was “Who Loves You” by Frankie Vali (1974), you’re still too young. If it was “Sherry Baby” by Frankie Vali (1964), you’re old enough. (If your prom theme song was “The Moon, the Stars, and My Horseless Carriage” by Frankie Vali (1916), you’re almost as old as Reagan. Forget it.)

TIP #2: YOUR PAST, AND HOW TO LOSE IT

Did you ever get arrested for overdue parking tickets? Forget it — you’re a jailbird. Ever have to stop in at the campus health clinic for anything other than the flu? You might as well bill yourself as a waling petri dish. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? Ciao, you hot-to-Trotskyite. Even dating a commie could show up on your permanent record and haunt you for the rest of your life. Let’s face it, your checkered past is far too scandal-ridden to ever survive the scrutiny of the press.

The only thing to do is to make up a fake name. Don’t worry about forging all sorts of records — no one ever asks for your I.D. on this sort of thing. Just make sure you pick a good solid name. This chart should help you select a name with that Presidential ring to it:

GOOD NAMES

Match a solid traditional “first” name from Column A to an established, respectable “second” name from Column B:

BAD NAMES

Avoid combining the cute, overly feminine “first” names in Column A with the controversial or suggestive names in Column B:

TIP #3: BEDROOM DIPLOMACY

So, now you’re wondering, “Hey, how will running for the presidency affect my sex life?” The answer is simple — the President is not allowed to have a sex life. That’s because the President has to be married. So go out there and get yourself a husband. Ironically, recent studies have shown that any woman old enough to run for President is also very unlikely to find a husband. (Are you beginning to catch on now? The whole thing is fixed.)

Just remember, you’re not marrying for love or money or even lust. You’re marrying for power, so just about anyone will do, as long as he looks reasonably good in a blue blazer.

Marry that gay guy you always go dancing with. Strangely enough, the same vigilant press that digs up obscure scandals concerning shady real estate deals and awkward prom dates has a strict hands-off policy when it comes to these strange unions of convenience. Not that that sort of thing goes on here in the Midwest…

TIP#4: WHAT ABOUT POLITICS?

Somewhere along the way you’re going to have to develop some sort of political sensibilities. A decade ago that would have meant a lot of liberal nonsense about the plight of the underclass and civil liberties. But no more. Today the watchword is conservatism. This is probably the first time since the 1890s that it’s okay to be a ruthless capitalist, profiting off the sweat of the toiling millions. Just use Jane Fonda as your role model, and you’ve got it made.

— Terry Runté